UTTERMEDIA

To celebrate the Queen’s 60th Jubilee, here are some of Her Majesty’s finer moments… meeting the real people of the world.

Queen Elizabeth and the Hell’s Angels.

Queen Elizabeth and the Dale Farm protestors.

Queen Elizabeth and American soldiers in Iraq.

Queen Elizabeth and the Chilean Miners.

Queen Elizabeth and Alan Sugar.

Queen Elizabeth working the Apple Store.

Queen Elizabeth with Mad Men’s Don Draper.

Hello, you’re a baby. Well done. You’ve reached 1 or maybe 2 years old now, and you’re bored of the same old shit your pants, get clean pants, shit your pants routine. You want something better, something more entertaining than a fucking second-hand wooden abacus.

Some of your mates down the creche may be using Twitter. Feel left out? Don’t worry, it’s piss-easy. Either borrow one of your parents’ smartphones or get down Carphone Warehouse and check out some of their “Deals for Babies”. You could use a laptop or a computer, but you’ll probably feel left out at breastfeeding time when all your mates are sucking on a nipple and bashing out a great tweet.

Got a smartphone? Great. No, don’t try to eat it. It is not a biscuit. Neither is it a toy. You’re going to learn very quickly how to use Twitter. Avoid at all costs, no matter how drunk you are, dropping your smartphone in your potty when you’re taking a piss. We’ve all had a mate who has done it – it’s not big and it’s not clever. Once you get your rancid faeces on that handset, you’re never going to want to touch it again. You definitely won’t ever be trying to eat it again.

So here you go, a few tips on tweeting as a baby:

• Don’t cry in a tweet. No one needs to know you’re upset because Fat Paul stole your toy firetruck. Just man-the-fuck-up and tweet about something cool like those awesome shades that your dad bought you from the petrol station.
• When tweeting on the train, try not to read out your tweet as you write it, and don’t shout “GREAT TWEET” if Katie from playgroup has written something funny. Just use your chubby index finger to favourite it.
• Never tell your parents your @ name. The moment they read that you’ve been operating the beer pumps down the local, it’s game over. Keep it a secret.
• Continuing the above, keep your smartphone well hidden. Stash it away in your nappy (mind the poop) and don’t flash it in-front of your au pair – she’s probably European, and she’ll want to steal your smartphone to replace her Nokia 3200.
• Don’t take photos of your food – as tempting as it may be to snap a shot of a wicked salad nicoise you’ve knocked up on a Wednesday afternoon, it’s a bit sad really, and you know that Special Adam down the road is a better cook than you anyway.
• Try to avoid Instagram. It’s addictive. Like tobacco. Remember that stuff? Makes you cough like a poisoned miner.
• Don’t tweet when you’re drinking. If you learn this valuable life-lesson early on, you’re set for a good run on Twitter. If there’s a bottle of alcoholic milk in your hand, it’s probably best your put your phone away somewhere.
• And finally, try to avoid confrontations, especially about politics, powder milk, sport, sexism, the Nazi movement, teething, and why baby’s clothes have pockets. It always ends in a fight and you’ll probably end up getting glassed next time you’re down the creche.

Babies, Twitter doesn’t have to be challenging. Kick back after a hard day at work, push your crayons aside, and establish a worthy social media footprint. Just don’t stay up all night tweeting, otherwise you’ll be grouchy and will end up punching the dog again.

So, Mark’s brother is a gardener/tree surgeon. They were working in a large garden, up a tree. With them, their dog, who was frolicking around the garden. The dog managed to find a way under the fence into next door’s garden. He disappeared.

A while later the dog reappeared, but with a rabbit between his teeth. A large rabbit. Obviously a domestic pet, and not a wild one. The dog dropped the rabbit at their feet. It was clearly dead, with 4 large teeth marks in its neck.

Panicking, they decided to take the rabbit back next door, and place it in the rabbit hutch, and shut the door. They went back to work up the tree.

The next day, they returned, a little nervous. Whilst finishing their work in the garden, the neighbour peered over the fence. “Hello, would you like a cup of tea?” she asked. Sheepishly, they accepted.

“The strangest thing happened yesterday” she said, as they sipped Earl Grey.

“Oh?” they replied.

“Yes! Well, last week our family pet rabbit died! We buried him in the garden, but last night, I found him back in the hutch!”

@MuggyLittleC

So I had an idea last Saturday morning. I was in Guildford quite early, for a haircut. I’d skipped breakfast in favour of a lay-in. With a few minutes to kill before my appointment, I thought I’d grab something to eat.

My options were unsavoury, to say the least. Greggs or Burger King? Neither were very appealing, but alas, I settled for a Sausage Roll from the former. It was okay, but it was greasy and I felt like a tramp eating it.

Ideally, I wanted something more traditional such as cereal or toast. Popping into Café Rouge or Wetherspoons would have been okay, but I didn’t really have time. Then I thought to myself, what would people do on a weekday in such a situation, with even less time and flexibility?

The idea for “The Toast Stand” came to me. Come midday, Guildford’s pretty cobbled high street is gifted with a Baked Potato stand, and a Roasted Chestnut stand. So I think a Breakfast Stand of some kind, appearing at about 7am, would be perfect. Great for those who have skipped breakfast or need something extra, whilst on their way to work, or before starting a day of shopping.

The Toast Stand would grill toast, and offer a wide range of toppings as well as different options of bread. It would be cheap, and there would be no litter… all you need to eat toast is your hands – you eat the whole thing and there is nothing left. Unless you leave the crusts like a fucking child.

Have you ever seen a Toast Stand? Obviously there are stalls/kiosks in Waterloo and other larger stations selling various French breakfast snacks. But a lovely quaint British Toast Stand, I think, would be quite a sweet thing to see during a casual commute to work, or a lazy weekend morning.

If you steal my idea, at least let me design the logo.

What begins as a smooth, serene window into the seemingly comfortable life of “Driver” ascends ultra-violently into a colourful juggernaut of hard crime and effortless cool.

The main character, only referenced to by his profession, seems nonchalantly blasé about his work, his home and those around him. Initially, the only thing he has any essence of connectivity with is his vehicle. His drawn-out silences and wry smiles offer little insight into his past. His willingness to immerse himself in his love-interest’s hazardous situation offers some insight into what may or may not happen.

The Driver’s violence appears in short, horrific bursts. His driving calm and collected, whilst the city buzzes and glows around him and his passengers.

It’s not long until the nostalgically eighties score and Michael Mann-eque art-heavy shots fade away, to reveal the brooding underbelly of cowards and crooks – thrust upon you in a jack-in-the-box of blood, petrol and pace.

The characters you find yourself warming to are quickly excused and Driver, although showing occasional flurries of raw emotion, keeps his undisturbed exterior and retains a Steve McQueen semblance.

With the vivid night-time splendour of Collateral, and the audacious seedy law-free brashness of Narc, Drive is a supercharger for the soul. What could have been a car chase movie with tits and cash is beautifully crafted into a hommage to everything that you enjoy about a left-field action thriller with a truly stimulating pastiche of love and passion.

By submitting, posting or displaying the content you give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive license to reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publish, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute any Content which you submit, post or display on or through, the Services.

The key term here is “non-exclusive”. Google are not taking ownership of your photo, neither are they revoking your rights to your own work. Whilst they can do all of the above (reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publish, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute) with your photo(s), you can still do the same too.

Notice also “on or through, the Services”. Google aren’t going to send your photos off to some third-party website for public distribution or use. They may however use your photo as a part of their services – services that they currently offer. Eg: your image may appear in Google marketing material, or perhaps something as ridiculous as a Gmail background image. The issue here is that your image is then facing a much wider audience than you originally intended (depending on your prevalence as a photographer). We all know that people pinch photos if they like the look of them, it’s very easy. So this, as before, is likely to happen in this situation, just on a much larger scale. It’s down to you whether you are comfortable with that or not. 

You agree that this license includes a right for Google to make such Content available to other companies, organizations or individuals with whom Google has relationships for the provision of syndicated services, and to use such Content in connection with the provision of those services.

Probably the scariest part of the terms. It does sound like Google will share you photos with other companies. However, ‘syndicated services’ again mean that these companies will be part of Google’s current service remit. At present, Google are not in the practice of distributing images commercially for profit or fund. If they do choose to do this in future, these terms will change and you, by law, will have to be notified (much like when your iPhone pops up a new set of iTunes T’s & C’s). If Google used your photo(s), it would only ever be in connection with services associated with Google, such as Maps, Google+, Android, etc.

You understand that Google, in performing the required technical steps to provide the Services to our users, may (a) transmit or distribute your Content over various public networks and in various media; and (b) make such changes to your Content as are necessary to conform and adapt that Content to the technical requirements of connecting networks, devices, services or media. You agree that this license shall permit Google to take these actions.

Google may resize your image, slap an ugly logo on it, or perhaps reduce the quality. No biggie, but again you may feel differently about this.

To summarise, these terms at first seem a little unnerving. But it is no better or worse than your images appearing in Google Image Search results, which, let’s face it, they probably already do, if you have a website or a Flickr account. The only difference is, Google may hand pick some of your photos from your G+ for their own use, as Google.

If you are a professional photographer you may feel that the above terms will detract exclusivity from your work, which is understandable. Perhaps slap a watermark over any content that you upload to your G+ account, or just provide lo-res/compressed versions. Either way, you won’t find yourself losing money or being exploited by Google, as their practices here are no different than Flickr, Picasa or DeviantArt. The only point to take away from this is that Google have the power to spread your image far and wide, under their own name, in a way that other online services do not.

Day 1: “Favourite Film”

The Insider (1999)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9qCEEy2XcU

Not only my favourite film but this is by far one of the most incredibly orchestrated scenes in any modern piece. See also: my undying love for Russell Crowe.

Day 2: “Least Favourite Film”

The Happening (2008)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIQ21m1Ks08

Is it possible to have a ‘low’ in a career full of lows? M. Night Shyamalan continues to make abhorrent movies. And people say “that was alright actually”. No it wasn’t, it just gave you something better to do than garrotting yourself for 2 hours. The worst thing about this movie? It happened.

Day 3 “Favourite Comedy”

The Jerk (1979)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4rVuZ0hJEyM

Steve Martin plays an idiotic white man born to a black family in “The Jerk”. I am hard pushed to find another actor (apart from perhaps Leslie Nielsen) who can pull off non sequitur, slapstick and classic gags in one comic episode. If you are human, this scene will have you in tears.

Day 4: “Favourite Drama”

Schindler’s List (1993)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwfIf1WMhgc

One of the most important films of our generation, and by far one of Spielberg’s best. I was shown this at a very young age in school, and it’s stayed with me ever since. Stern characters and harrowing realism. This film should be remembered for decades to come.

Day 5: “Favourite Action”

Heat (1995)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xbBLJ1WGwQ

Back when De Niro was De Niro and Pacino was Pacino. Mix two of the world’s once finest actors with an incredibly cinematic director, and you’re in Heat. The sound design in the gun fight scene is just rivetting. Crime has never seemed so seductive and stylish.

To be continued…